How Low Can You Go!?

"Good evening everybody and welcome to the nation's fastest growing quiz-sensation,"

How Low Can You Go!?

"I'm your host, Nick Blakeley, and I'm here to guide you to an answer to everyone's favorite question, "

"How Low Can You Go!?"

"Tonight's game starts in the dregs of the Major League Baseball community, Kansas City. We'll start off by asking our first contestant, Kansas City Royals General Manager Allard Baird,"

How Low Can You Go!?

Allard Baird: "Well, Nick, that's a good question. I'm going to start out with my brilliant off-season signings of Jose Lima, Eli Marrero and Chris Truby. I realized we were coming off a 100-loss season and building for the future, so I figured I would sign a pitcher with a noted history of giving up homeruns, an outfielder whose previous season was successful and completely out of line with the rest of his career and a third baseman that I scouted from the original 'Bad News Bears' movie. I really liked their 'approach'. Unfortunately, the only thing they seemed to be 'approaching' was historical levels of ineptitude."

Nick: "Excellent first offering, Allard! Now, lets see if our second contestant has an answer to our question,"

How Low Can You Go!?

"Tony Pena, former Royals manager, the question goes to you."

Tony Pena: "Well, Nick, I think I'll go with the time I soaped myself up in the shower while still in full uniform in order to motivate my team last year."

Nick: "I'm sorry, Tony, while that certainly is incredibly low, the rules state that it must be an example from this season."

Tony Pena: "Oh, oh; well, then, how about my masterful guidance of the club to a 13-37 record before I abruptly quit and left the country with sensational stories of infidelity and an impending divorce nipping at my heels?"

Nick: "Great work, Tony! You're now in the lead! Team captain Mike Sweeney,"

How Low Can You Go!?

Mike Sweeney: "Nick, I'm afraid I can't go any lower; I would most certainly re-injure my back."

Nick: "Wise decision, Mike. In that case, let's go to new manager Buddy Bell!"

Buddy Bell: "Hmm...there have been so many lows, starting with my hiring, that it's hard to pick just one."

Nick: "Don't be shy, Buddy. Give us what you've got."

Buddy Bell: "Let's see...there's the four game sweep at the hands of the perennially hapless Tampa Bay Devil Rays..."

Nick: "Yes!"

Buddy Bell: "...oh, and we gave away leads to the defending World Series champion Red Sox in every game of our series in Boston..."

Nick: "Excellent!"

Buddy Bell: "...closely followed by the two games that the Oakland A's drubbed us by a combined score of 27-1..."

Nick: "Right-O!"

Buddy Bell: "...plus, there was the other night when we coughed up a 7-2 lead in the ninth versus Cleveland and went on to lose 13-7..."

Royals closer, Mike MacDougall: "Aw, man; I was gonna use that Cleveland game! I gave up five runs all on my own!"

Newly-acquired bust prospect, Chip Ambres: "Hey! I was going to use that game, too! I dropped a perfectly catchable fly ball that could have ended that game and the 10-game losing streak we were on!"

Nick: "Umm...it seems a bit early for the 'Lightning Round', but let's go with it. Jose Lima: you can stop clicking your buzzer and give an answer."

Jose Lima: "Halfway through the season, I had an ERA over 8.00 and less wins that Zack Greinke."

Pitcher Zack Greinke: "Dude, that's low."

Nick: "That's the name of the game!"

Zack Greinke: "No, I mean why'd you have to drag me into this? At least I had some quality starts, even though they were wasted by a lack of run support."

Scrap heap pick-up, outfielder Emil Brown: "What are you tryin' to say, kid? My .200 batting average, total lack of power and atrocious fielding during the first two months weren't good enough for you? Mr. Baird said I'd be the next Raul Ibanez!"

Zack Greinke: "Color me unimpressed."

Allard Baird: "Gentlemen, gentlemen. No need to get testy. I take full responsibility for how low this team has sunk. After all, I failed to trade Ken Harvey last year when his totally empty batting average garnered him a spot on the All-Star team. And I'm the one who decided to ship Calvin Pickering back to Omaha after receiving less than 100 at-bats to prove himself. I'm the one who decided to rush one of our best pitching prospects, Denny Bautista, to the majors without stopping in Omaha when Mike Wood would have been perfectly adequate as our fifth starter. Meanwhile, Bautista hurt his arm and has been on the DL the majority of the season. And speaking of rushing, how about the rest of the list of guys I've rushed to the majors, completely by-passing triple-A on their way up: pitcher J.P. Howell; pitcher Ambiorix Burgos; pitcher Leo Nunez; second baseman Ruben Gotay; second baseman Donny Murphy. All this while expecting Runelvys Hernandez to be a work-horse, an innings-eater, even though he just returned from a year-and-a-half layoff to rehabilitate following surgery on his arm. Did I also mention that I brought in Terrence Long to play the majority of games in left field?"

Buddy Bell: "Whoa there, big shooter! That's impressive and all, but I'm making history right before your very eyes! Under my command, we're currently on a twelve game losing streak, equaling the longest in franchise history. In fact, no Royals manager has ever lost this many consecutive games because the last time they lost twelve in a row, luminaries Bob Boone and Tony Muser split the managerial chores. Booney racked up seven straight before he got the boot and "Gunnery Sergeant" Muser followed up with five of his own, for good measure. But they can't hold my jock strap as I go for lucky number 13 tonight out The 'K'."

Wal-Mart head honcho and current Royals owner, David Glass: "Boys, I appreciate the effort you all have put in to try to go lower and lower, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put you to shame. You see, after years of penny-pinching, I tried to bilk the tax payers of the Kansas City metropolitan area out of hundreds of millions of dollars to pay for renovations and improvements to Kauffman Stadium. Now, I wasn't nearly as arrogant and pushy as my colleague, Kansas City Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt, but the message I sent was still very clear: I don't want to invest my own money into my own product. To make it worse, included in the proposal were funds that were to be distributed to various projects concerning the arts in Kansas City. Ironically, the signature project would have been the construction of a world-class performing arts center that had been spearheaded by none other than the daughter of former Royals owners Ewing and Muriel Kauffman. The people of Kansas City were stuck with the choice of voting funds to a worthy cause (the arts plan) but also subsidizing the terribly inefficient plan we submitted to improve the sports complex. Or, they could vote down our lousy plan and shoot down the arts along with it. Unfortunately for the arts, they saw through our stupidity and greed. Interestingly, I also could have piggy-backed the public sentiment to improve downtown generated by the tax payer-approved Sprint Center by coming up with a plan that would have used about the same amount of money and built a brand new facility next to Union Station. Of course, that would have been too beneficial for all parties involved, so I soundly crushed all hopes of that ever happening."

Nick: "Well, I hate to say it, but we're all out of time. Today, you're all winners! Congratulations to the entire Kansas City Royals organization for bottoming out on the nation's fastest-growing quiz sensation,"

How Low Can You Go!?

"Join us again next week when our contestants will include the NHL Players Association, Mike Tyson and the kid who jumped 40 feet from the upper deck of Yankee Stadium into the netting behind home plate. Good night, everybody!"