Thursday, August 31, 2006

The Eternal Debate

To fold or to wad, that is the question.

Or, perhaps, to vomit or to defecate.

Two ongoing debates that deserve to be heard. Whether you want to read about them or not is up to you.

Let's tackle the first question, to fold or to wad. "Fold or wad what?" you may be asking. Toilet paper, of course. Most people can agree that they don't want to complete their business only to look down and see evidence of their most recent product on their hand. That's where this debate starts. Which is the better way to make sure the fudge remains in the bowl?

One of the first things "Folders" will tell you is that by neatly folding the t.p., you can make multiple passes while neatly tucking away each subsequent swipe. They'll tell you that this is both civilized and efficient. They'll also inform you that it lessens the probability of a clog. They'll tear down the technique of the "Wadder", saying that making multiple wipes with the wad is both unpredicatable and dangerous. "A waste of resources!" bellows the Folder. They will claim that if you use that much toilet paper, you're sure to stop up the fixtures.

So, how do the Wadders respond? First, the highly important issue of keeping an adequate "buffer zone" should be addressed. Popular Wadder comments: "I want plenty of material between my fingers and my bum." "I don't need to know my backside like the back of my hand." "If there's a slip-up, that wad will keep me safe while your fold will betray you." They will denounce the claims that wadding is inefficient. And even if it is, isn't that like collateral damage, acceptable losses in the midst of war? And are the Folders' hands too frail to use a plunger in the case of an occassional clog? Again, that's the price you pay for keeping a brown-free hand.

Is there any common ground these two factions can agree on? Maybe one. The sweet, sweet sensation that pulses through your veins when you realize you've made the perfect poo: a look at the fold/wad only to find the lilly-white goodness of unsoiled paper staring back in your face.

Tune in next time for the age old argument between those who would rather blow chunks and those who would rather blow mud.