There's Gotta Be Some Way To Root For This Team

The Royals made what might be the four most uninteresting signings in baseball history recently when they inked contracts for 2B Mark Grudzielanek, 1B Doug Mientkiewicz, SP Scott Elarton and C Paul Bako.

Both arguments have been made as to the significance of these transactions:

A) "Allard Baird is an idiot and needs to be fired. What the hell do we need a 35-year old second baseman for when we have no fewer than three second base prospects who could be utilized? Why do we need a good glove/no hit first baseman when we could split those duties with some combination of Mike Sweeney/Matt Stairs/Justin Huber? Isn't Scott Elarton a Jose Lima clone, minus the histrionics? Aren't backup catchers a dime a dozen? Why pay Paul Bako $700,000 when we had Paul Phillips readily available?"

OR

B) "Allard Baird has finally put a plan together. Bringing in a handful of 'experienced Major League veterans' will give much-needed development time for the youngsters who proved they weren't quite ready this year. The short-term contracts they signed ensure that they won't be blocking those prospects paths once they're ready to contribute. The improved infield defense will help restore the confidence of a young pitching staff that has been continually betrayed by one of the worst defenses in baseball. And Paul Bako will act as a sort of a catching instructor to young starter John Buck."

Well, you know what? There's probably some truth in both arguments. Allowing the youngsters to develop is a much better idea than letting them crash and burn in the same fashion they did last year. On the other hand, Baird had a bucket-load of cash to spend and still couldn't come up with his fabled "impact bat".

"So," I thought to myself, "I had better come up with some reason to follow these guys other than rooting against another 100-loss season."

Here's what I came up with:

First base/DH - Mientkiewicz is a gritty, dirt-on-the-uniform, eye-black-under-the-eyes kind of player. That's fun. He'll scoop up more errant throws than Sweeney or Stairs could ever dream of. That'll be refreshing. His nickname is "Minky". I don't know how I feel about that other than I'm glad he's got a nickname.

Sweeney will no doubt be in the best shape he's ever been in (again) come spring training. With that declaration will come his usual enthusiasm at the beginning of the season. I vow to enjoy watching him swing harder than anyone I've ever seen without thinking about how he will inevitably wrench his back sometime in late May or early June.

I will enjoy watching Stairs continue to compete at the major league level despite having the body of a slow-pitch softball player. I will continue to enjoy the two nicknames Ryan and I have come up with for him: "Beer League" and "Stairs, Son of Gloin".

Second base/shortstop - Grudzielanek will botch fewer plays at second than the kiddie corps before him. And he has the endearing nickname "Grudz".

Angel Berroa will surely be more confident throwing to a first baseman who isn't made of stone and turning double-plays with a guy who knows that you need to be relatively near second base for it to count.

Third base - I will be glad to see the inevitable improvement from Mark Teahen after playing a full season in the majors. And if not, I can continue to daydream about super prospects Billy Butler and Alex Gordon who also man that position.

Catcher - John Buck is a guy who will never quit trying to improve. Even if he doesn't do well, it's nice to see him be a stand-up guy and answer all the humiliating questions in the locker room, day after day. I still hold out hope that he can be a Mike Macfarlane clone. (To me, that's a good thing.)

Outfield - Watching David DeJesus' tiny little legs motor around like a Bugs Bunny cartoon while covering for "outfielders" Emil Brown and Matt Stairs is highly entertaining. Actually, DeJesus is one of the more underrated players in the game. He fields his position well, doesn't force anything at the plate and has a little pop in his bat.

I suppose watching Emil Brown become the next Raul Ibanez is at least moderately interesting. I'll just have to forget the fact that he's our cleanup hitter.

Aaron Guiel puts in a hearty effort every time he's out there and Chip Ambres brings the promise of once being a highly-touted prospect.

Starting pitchers - Runelvys Hernandez should be much improved in his second season coming off arm surgery.

Zack Greinke, struggling or not, has one of the most enjoyable repertoires of any pitcher I've ever seen.

Mark Redman and Scott Elarton will (hopefully) keep us in games long enough for our bullpen to take over.

Maybe, just maybe, Jeremy Affeldt can fulfill his potential and land a spot in the rotation with his blazing fastball and big curve.

Bullpen - After watching DeJesus run down a plethora of fly balls from our starters, it will be fun to watch our Young Guns blow people away in the late innings.

Andy Sisco (who ought to get a chance at the last rotation slot, as well), Ambiorix Burgos and Mike MacDougal all heat up the radar gun.

Throw in crafty long relief guys like Mike Wood and Older Mike Wood, a.k.a. newly acquired Elmer Dessens and this should be one of the better bullpens in baseball.

Now I'll have a few handy answers to use when someone asks, "Why do you continue to watch these losers?!" that doesn't start with, "Well, they play in Kansas City and I live in Kansas City; who else am I supposed to watch?."